Dolly Doctor and Oral Sex: is advice to girls clear?
Dolly Doctor this issue deals with oral sex. Parents with younger Dolly readers in the family may want to be aware of that and be prepared to talk about it with them (Dolly has featured’ Readers of the month’ who are 11). Also, although the age of consent is 16, the article opens with 15-year-old Sarah who is considering it. Consent and possible legal considerations are not mentioned.
Dolly says “even though you’re not having penetrative sex, there are still serious consequences when it comes to oral sex.” Now I’m no sexologist, but I’m not sure Dolly has got this right. Perhaps the writer means you’re not having sexual intercourse as typically understood? In the practice of fellatio, I’m pretty sure something goes into a mouth. And in male to female oral sex, a vagina can be penetrated also. I checked with Susan McLean, former policewoman of over 20 years standing and specialist on cybersafety, young people and legal issues. She responded:
Oral Sex is sex just the same as vaginal (penis/vagina) and digital (finger/vagina) and ALL are covered by age of consent laws. You can be charged with rape for example in any of the above cases. Sexual penetration laws also cover all the above plus more, anal sex and use of implements to penetrate. Consent needs to be explained as you cannot give consent under age, cannot give consent when under the influence of drugs/alcohol, cannot give consent if fearful, coerced etc
Girls are warned that they can still contract STI’s from oral sex. Emotional issues are raised. Tegan, 16, felt vulnerable even though it was with her boyfriend. “Even though I knew he cared about me, I started feeling resentment towards him. It made me realise I hadn’t done it for me and I wasn’t ready,” she said. Psychologist Gemma Cribb says: “Becoming sexual before one person is ready can damage the bond in your relationship. This is why you need to keep up communication.” Girls are told they can be comfortable with saying no. “You’ll know it’s too early if you find yourself getting anxious about the prospect of sexual intimacy, or you try avoiding one-on-one time together,” says Cribb. Readers are also reminded they can change their mind at any time.
Girls are offered 5 points to help them consider if they are ‘ready’ to “transition from kissing”. The assumption, given the subject of the piece, could be that this means from kissing to oral. Aren’t there lots of other things in between kissing and oral? In another section ‘Your Biggest Questions Answered’, given the level of pressure girls are under to provide sexual acts, (as mentioned in my previous review of Girlfriend ) the last is significant: “What if I don’t want to do it and he doesn’t want to be with me?” The response is: “It’s your body so NEVER do anything you’re not totally comfortable with. Lots of girls rush into things because they want to please their partner or think they’ll be called a prude if they wait,” says Cribb. “Linking your self-worth to sexual acts is not OK. If they’re not willing to go at your pace, they’re not worthy of you!” Read full review here
The article ‘Like a Virgin’, in the October issue of Girlfriend, argues, quite rightly, that there is a double standard when it comes to men losing their virginity and women losing theirs. “It’s time we stopped talking like virginity loss turns boys into men and girls into ruins,” writes Emily McGuire.
McGuire includes the experiences of young people including Karen, 15, who “just wanted to get it over with” and Krissy who was keen to “move on from feeling annoyingly virginal.” Despite the big event being less than physically great, she says that afterwards she felt “relieved” to have done it.
Holly, 17, says: “Boys think if they don’t lose their virginity by a certain time, then they’re not man enough. Then they do, they’re praised. With girls, it’s easier to say you are a virgin than not, because girls are given a hard time when they do have sex and can become labelled.”
Of course there is a double standard. We don’t see any ‘purity balls’ where sons promise their purity until marriage before their mothers – it appears to be always a father/daughter event. But I would have liked to have seen some more exploration here for why Karen wanted it over and done with and why Krissy felt it was annoying to be a virgin. Perhaps there are messages in the culture that contributed to the girls feeling this way? A culture that tells girls they should ‘put out’, pornography-based socialisation into early, even sometimes premature, sexual initiation. There no stories here from girls who felt that it wasn’t easier to say they were a virgin than not. Girls often tell me they pretend they are sexually active for fear of being seen as losers or hung up. A 15-year-old girl I met at a school a couple of weeks ago told me she was considering having sex with a 19-year-old she had met twice because she was being teased for not having had sex yet and feared being labelled a prude. It was clear she wasn’t ready. I didn’t feel there was an adequate representation of stories here because an experience I am told of, over and over and by girls of increasingly younger ages, is pressure to engage in coerced and unwanted sex and regretting first sexual experience characterised often by drunkenness and force. It’s good GF reminds readers that 75% of its readers are not sexually active (according to a survey) and that “If a guy threatens to leave you if you don’t have sex with him, dump him quick-smart. Dude’s a jerk.”
As always, when I review teen girls’ magazines I look for the girls who are taking up their rightful place in the world, engaging in social action and cultural transformation.
This issue we meet ‘2013 Girlfriend of the Year’ (I’m ignoring the eight pages on GF’s Rimmel Model Search). Hannah, 15, was chosen from six finalists for her activism against Coal Seam Gas Mining. “The methods used to extract it are all detrimental to the environment and the people surrounding the wells…There is little info available on the actual chemicals used in the mining process – all we know is there are proven links between CSG mining and illness in humans and animals, lack of land productivity, lowered air quality and contaminated soil and water,” the young activist says. Hannah, who has also been involved in Youth Parliament, says her motivation comes from raising awareness, encouragement from others and knowing she is making a difference.
Marian Bechtel, 18, invented a land mind detector. Described as an ‘anti-war hero’ in the article ‘Like a boss,’ about inspiring girl CEOs and inventors, Marian came up with the idea of using sound waves to detect land mines at only 14. She spent three years researching and working with scientists to develop a prototype. As a result Marian was a finalist in the 2012 Intel Science Talent Search in the US. “I think technology can definitely help us get toward word peace,” says Marian. Madison Robinson, 15, created her own thong (‘fishflops.com) business, which has taken off. “I think you can be creative and achieve your dreams at any age,” says Madison. “If you have an idea you love and can see the possibilities, go for it.” Ava Anderson, 18, created the world’s first non-toxic beauty products as CEO and director of Product Development of Ava Anderson, Tavi Gevinson, 17, started her style blog at 11 which grew into an online magazine Rookie Mag, one of the top websites for teens in the world. Eesha Khare, 18, invented a battery that charges in 30 seconds.
There are more high achievers in the ‘Life as told by you’ section. Brittany developed a breast cancer app after her cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her app enabled doctors to enter values on a scale of one to 10 for each sign of breast cancer a patient has. She has spent over 1000 hours working on it and run 7.6 million tests. The app is now 99 per cent accurate for diagnosing the disease. She hopes to become a doctor one day. Kelsey, 17, has raised more than $40,000 for the charity ‘Hands Across the Water’, which helps children in Thailand. Started by her father, she has volunteered in one of the charity’s orphanages during her summer holidays. “I saw how tough things are for them and learned not to take life for granted as so many of us do, myself included. I also watched how the children look after each other. It made me think, why can’t we all be kinder to each other?” The money Kelsey has raised so far can save 27 girls from trafficking. Kelsey says she feels she must do something to help at-risk children. “I can be the voice for girls my age and younger from all over the world who are being forced to do terrible things against their will….To be able to provide new hope and possibilities for these girls is the reason I’m doing this. I know that changing their lives will also change the lives of their families, friends and broader communities, as well as the generations to come after them”. She urges other teens to take the focus off themselves and unleash their energy in positive ways to help others. Read more
Sometimes I wonder if one girl’s mag gets wind of what another is up to and copies it. In this case it’s a good thing, with Dolly also running a feature on binge drinking. I commended Girlfriend for a strong piece on “liquid poison” also this month. What is less understandable is why it Dolly has assigned the piece to the ‘Sealed Section’. I see no rationale for this. (Girlfriend did the same thing awhile back with a special feature on mental illness which I questioned here ). Let’s face it, the sealed section is pretty useless anyway (a simple tear reveals the contents). But what is being implied here? Why doesn’t the piece belong in the body of the magazine with the rest of the ‘open content’?
The piece opens with the story of ‘Jen’, 16, who lost control after consuming vodka at a party and regretted her behaviour. Research shows 40% of girls 14-19 drink at levels which put them at risk of alcohol-related harm, those aged 15-24 account for 52% all alcohol related serious injuries and one in two 15-17 will regret something they did when drunk. “Binge drinking’s not only bad for your health, but it can seriously impact your wellbeing and relationships”, says Dolly. More than two standard drinks is enough to start physical damage to organs. Professor Gordian Fulde, Director of the Emergency Department, Sydney Hospital, says: “Usually the teenage girl who comes in will be vomiting and dehydrated so we’ll have to hook them up to a drip for fluid transfusions…Sometimes we’ll have unconscious patients who’ve fallen when intoxicated. We’ll cut their clothes off to do full body checks so we don’t miss a life-threatening injury…It’s often very distressing once they’ve sobered up and can’t remember what happened.” Long term effects are listed: alcohol dependence, physical health problems, mental health problems and unsafe situations e.g unprotected or unwanted sex. Girls are given tips for resisting peer pressure – say you’ve already had one, don’t feel pressured to give in – “true friends respect your decisions – swap the alcohol for your drink of choice, find other ways to beat party nerves. Support is offered through Reach Out.com.au and Alcohol & Drug Information Service (1800422599).
Two more important contributions this issue. ‘Relationships that hurt’ helps girls recognise dangerous and harmful relationships with boys who are jealous and controlling. Studies show teen girls are at greatest risk of entering abusive relationships – more than any women in other age groups. Many don’t recognise possessive behaviour as a red flag. “Jealousy is not the sign of love that girls often think it is,” says Carmen Garrett a social worker at Headspace. “When it leads to a boy trying to control your life- who you speak to, where you go – that’s serious.”
Megan at first thought the constant surveillance of her boyfriend was “proof he loved me”. She became withdrawn, her social life suffered, she lost her friends, and quit sport because her boyfriend hated her playing with boys on the team. Ella’s boyfriend, who she had kept secret for a year, started pressuring her for sex. “I wasn’t ready. But he kept threatening to tell my parents we’d done all this sexual stuff, even if we hadn’t,” she says. She gave in to the pressure out of fear and because she didn’t want to lose him. Melissa was pressured by her boyfriend to lose weight, telling her she was “too fat” and he would find someone else. “All I could think about was losing weight to make him like me again,” she says. Read more
Readers wanting something of substance from Dolly’s June issue would do best to skip the first half and go straight to the second. Articles on self-harm, hate pages and unhealthy attitudes toward food redeem the insubstantial nature of the pages that go before.
‘Would you “like” a hate page?’ explores the phenomenon of online hate pages. A hate page is explained as any page set up on social media to incite hatred, violence or racism towards a group or individuals. Susan McLean of Cyber Safety Solutions explains there are more hate pages around now. “Many people who participate in hate pages wouldn’t behave this way in the real world. There’s a lack of accountability online, so people think they can get away with it,” McLean says. A pack mentality can also be at work, where the more ‘likes’ a page gets the more others join in. Readers are reminded that under state cyber bullying laws, people posting comments or threats on hate pages can be charged. Psychologist Meredith Fuller explains that ‘liking’ the page is the cyber equivalent of looking on while someone gets bullied. Readers are encouraged to report hate pages. A related piece is ‘How I fight bullying’, with three girls telling their stories of addressing bullying in groups including The Hope Project, Angels Goal and Student Harassment Investigation Team (S.H.I.T).
The feature on self-harm is very welcome. Exploring the distressing phenomenon of ‘cutting’, Dolly tells the story of Emily, 15, who started cutting when she was 12. “I do it in secret and hide it as best I can. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that the only relief I can get is to hurt myself,” she says. An estimated 10 percent of teen girls self-harm. It should not be put in the category of attention-seeking (most girls try to hide the habit) – it is a response to intense emotional pain. Those who engage in the behaviour get a temporary sense of relief, with emotional pain transferred to physical pain. Jasmine, 16, shares her journey of recovery, replacing the act of cutting with positive activities until the urge to cut has passed and talking to trusted people about it. Jasmine has a blog called Perks of Recovery. Read more
An unexpected response, perhaps, from an (allegedly) grown woman. But a story in the latest issue did me in.
‘Real Life Stories’ – which I have always appreciated for giving space to the raw realities of so many girls lives – opens with a first person account of Carrieanne who took on the care of her younger brothers and sisters when her mother died suddenly at only 42, for reasons unknown. Carrieanne was 18. A moving photo shows her with her three younger siblings, one only a baby. Carrieanne has applied for legal guardianship and is continuing to study while caring for the children with the help of two older siblings and neighbours. Speaking of her mum she says “I think she would be so proud of what I’m doing now.” I think she would be too Carrieanne. (Now where are the tissues?).
In other ‘Real Stories’, Mariah, 16, is working to end poverty with World Vision. She began by getting an after school job so she could sponsor a child. By 13 she was fundraising for World Vision’s Haiti earthquake appeal and is now collating a book Reaching Out: Messages of Hope, a collaboration between 30 authors, illustrators and advocates from around the world to be published by HarperCollins, with profits going to UNIFEC for which she is now a youth ambassador. “Teens might not realise it, but we have so much power. We can be the generation that changes history. We don’t need to fix world poverty tomorrow, but we can help one child at a time.” Well said Mariah! Read more
‘Operation 1 less Bully’ is a four-page case against bullying, featuring personal stories of celebrities who have joined the movement to stop it. Some were bullied, others stood up to bullies, and one recognised she was a bully in the past – Dolly’s own editorial coordinator Kelsey. With 63% of teens admitting they’re being bullied now or have been in the past, magazines have a significant role to play in efforts to address it. Dolly has teamed with the Stride Foundation, which runs workshops about bullying in schools, to “stamp out bullying one bully at a time.” The magazine will feature a ‘workshop’ on bulling each month. The first provides advice from Stride about how to respond: Be Assertive, Practice positive self-talk, Don’t be a bystander – stand up for others and Don’t blame yourself.
Another stand-out piece is Dolly’s Anti-Panic Plan’. In my view, there can’t be too many articles on this subject in girl’s mags. Stress rates in girls are through the roof. Psychologist Paula Robinson says: “Stress occurs when the perceived pressure exceeds your perceived ability to cope.” Different ways of expressing stress are explored: the hothead, silent sufferer and emotional wreck, and advice given tailored to each. Readers are also encouraged to find three things a day they can be grateful for. “When good things happen, really be present in that moment and notice what’s happening. Experience the emotion fully,” advises Robinson.
’10 How-to’s that will change your life’ include how to give a real compliment, let someone down gently, make school your happy place, have a better relationship with your mum (“Give her a little RESPECT, listen to her advice, even if you don’t agree with it at first…Listening and respectfully replying is key to making any relationship better”), remember someone’s name and keep calm when rushed. Not quite fitting into this line up is ‘Share a sweet-as kiss’ and ‘Look good in a photo’. Another ‘how-to themed’ piece is ‘How to turn a new friend into a best friend’. Read more here
When I speak in schools, I’m often asked for advice on how to help a friend with an eating disorder (and not just girls – a male student ask me in a school in regional NSW recently). So I was really pleased to see the piece ‘Help! My BFF is wasting away before my eyes: How to deal when your bestie has an eating disorder’. Lydia Turner, co-director of BodyMatters , says one in five diagnosed with anorexia nervosa will die from the illness, while other types of ED’s like bulimia nervosa are linked to high rates of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. While alarming, it is important for girls to know these harsh facts, especially in light of the raft of on-line pro-ana (anorexia) and pro-mia (bulimia) communities which encourage self-starvation as a life-style choice and post skeletal images as ‘inspiration’ for thinness.
While girls are advised to show patience and compassion, not centering conversations on food and appearance, it is imperative the need for professional help is stressed and GF does this. If the friend with disordered eating refuses to seek help, readers are encouraged to disclose to a trusted adult (such as a school counsellor) regardless – it could save her life. “It is extremely distressing to watch a friend deteriorate before your eyes, but it’s not your responsibility to save her and you don’t have to shoulder this burden alone. You need to let the experts take charge…remember that this is a complicated illness and you cannot deal with it yourself,” GF wisely advises.
Related is ‘Why diets are dumb’ about how fad diets compromise nutrition and health. Deprivation is discouraged in favour of learning to eat in a balanced, healthy way. Specifically addressed is carb cutting (some girls won’t even breathe around carbs let alone eat them) and informed of the benefits of carbs for health. Body detoxing is described as “completely unnecessary and bad for you.” Liver and kidneys perform that job. Skipping meals messes with metabolism and can lead to binging afterwards. Meal replacements are also discouraged, as they don’t allow the full range of foods for long term health. Read more here.
I think Dolly may be improving (if only it would drop the model search!)
Forty eight pages into Dolly’s April issue and I was beginning to wonder if there was anything worth commenting on. Yes there was a promotion of the Dolly model search, but I’d already gone to town on that in the last review, 20 pages straight on fashion and ads, behind the scenes at X-factor, music predictions, then something I could talk about ‘My body tells a story: Three beautiful girls, three different stories about dealing with major body changes.’
In something of a contrast to the opening model search promo, Taylor, 19, writes about the impact of two spinal operations to correct a curved spine which leaves her with an “enormous scar” down the entire length of her back. After struggling to accept the scar and the reminder it brings of significant pain, she now sees it as a sign of what she has overcome and the strength required to go through the two operations. “I just hope that by sharing my story I can somehow help girls love their bodies, scars and all, and celebrate their uniqueness and the strength they may not realise they have themselves,” she says. Aimee, 18, has had 100 surgeries after developing a flesh-eating skin disease which caused her to be put on life support due to organ failure. Her leg swelled to twice its size and needed to be cut open to reduce the pressure. She was in a coma for a week. It was thought the leg may need to be amputated. Then followed surgery every second day for six months to try to control the bacteria eating her body. After recovering enough to go home and back to school she is bullied because of the scars. But now she just feels fortunate her leg was saved. Erin 16, shares her story of losing her hair – which was once half way down her back – as a result of chemo required to treat Hodgkin’s lymphoma last year. The chemo makes her feel very ill. But she is staying confident and surrounding herself with positive people. Inspiring stuff. Read more here.
Many girls and young women look to girl’s magazines for advice on life, relationships, bodies, health and sexuality. But too often they receive conflicting advice and mixed messages and even, sometimes, outright contradiction.
Take for example, information provided in the sealed section of Girlfriend this month, where, within four pages of each other, two medicos give different information about age of consent laws. A 15-year-old, in a relationship with a boy the same age, enquires about age of consent laws because the two want to have sex. Dr Philip Goldstone replies “generally, if you are both under the legal age of consent, it is still illegal for you to have sex.” However Dr Sally Cockburn, under the heading ‘What if you’re both under the age of consent?’ writes: “If two people are both under the age of consent, but are the same or similar age, and both decide to engage in sexual activities, it’s not a legal issue – as long as there’s no coercion, violence or power imbalance involved. Basically, as long as you’re both in control and making informed decisions, there are no legal problems.” So who is the reader to believe? Isn’t this important enough to get right? How does the editing process work at Girlfriend for a contradiction like this not to be noticed? Girls don’t need confusing advice about where they stand under the law.
Not a matter of legal confusion, but something that is consistent is that I have to comment on the ‘Project You Reality Check’ again like I have to on the equivalent in Dolly. The logo is used so inconsistently I have little choice. On the front cover the ‘Reality Check’ provides the vital information that a tag was removed from fashion girl Kylie’s top and that the water in the background was darkened. Seriously, why bother? Then inside, ‘Style School’ features four girls with the ‘Reality Check’ telling us “We haven’t retouched any of these images – we didn’t need to! All the girls look great just the way they are”. So if that’s the case, does it mean that when girls are airbrushed they didn’t look ‘fine the way they were’? Do some need to be airbrushed while others don’t? Also confusing is that the young women featured are specifically clothed to highlight and play down certain parts of their bodies. For example Alex, 15, is dressed to give “the illusion of longer legs” and a mix of large and small prints “also disguises any unwanted bumps”. Eloieese, 14, is lanky, so given curves and a defined waist and “fuller figured” Gemma, 18, is put “in a peplum top, as it draws attention to the slimmest part of her body – her waist”. No airbrushing – but they are still dressed to give the illusion of something other than what they are, and to hide unwanted bumps. I’m all for the disclosure…but it needs to be consistently applied and align with what else is in the magazine as a whole. Otherwise it loses all meaning. Read article here.
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