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Melinda Tankard Reist


Wolfwhistling is not a compliment. Stop pressuring us for nude pics. Don’t joke about our bodies. What girls want boys to know: personal appeals from the heart

Collective Shout, News Add comments

Profound experiences with W.A students on my last roadtrip.

Last month I spoke 27 times in three and a half weeks in the ACT, Queensland, Western Australia and New South Wales. I spoke on the objectification of women and sexualisation of girls in media and popular culture, the sexual world of the 21st century adolescent, pornography and young people, and the online life of girls to students, staff and parents at five schools, the Heads of Independent Co-Educational Schools conference, women’s events, a medical conference of 1000 medical professionals and at tour’s end a quick trip to the country to address the Upper Gwydir Landcare Association! (Was great to be out in the bush again, farmer’s daughter as I am).

There were many highlights – the privilege of delivering my message to thousands of people of course, along with  runs along rugged coastlines and catching up with friends and colleagues – including Co-editor of Big Porn Inc, Abigail Bray who I hadn’t seen for two years. Every time I do these long trips, I’m reminded again what an honour it is to do this work and engage with so many people, especially young people. I wonder how I got so lucky. A 14-year-old just emailed me to say how much she was impacted by the message and that now she knew the career path she wanted to follow to make a difference in the lives of other girls. And this from a Deputy Head of School in NSW: “I just wanted to say what a profound effect you have had on me today… I intend to return in term three with a renewed determination to build the voice and the rights of our girls and deliver a consistent message to the boys that the values of respect and understanding are not lost.” Messages like these make it all worthwhile.

Possibly the most affecting experience was with students in W.A. I was moved by how openly they shared their struggles. Girls revealing mistreatment and pressure to adopt pornified roles and behaviours. The issue of girls being threatened with blackmail to send sexual images was raised with me a number of times. At one co-ed private school, girls didn’t want to leave the session, and continued to talk through recess and even the next period, insisting they needed longer to discuss the issues concerning them. (Thank you teachers to allowing them to do so). A group of 30 Yr 12 boys chose to skip lunch to talk longer – I’ve never seen boys voluntarily choose to do this before! They disclosed some of the pressures they felt in a culture that judges them for their appearance and trains them in callous behavior early on. One boy stood and cried as he shared his experience of being bullied and said he had no friends. It was difficult to keep a grip on my emotions when another boy moved from the front row to the back to comfort him. To see that boy put his arms around the one who was in pain…something else I rarely see, given how this world knocks the empathy out of boys from their earliest days.

When addressing co-ed schools where I’m talking with the  girls, then boys separately (which is my preference), I often ask female students what messages they’d like me to pass onto boys. My colleague, W.A Collective Shout co-ordinator, Caitlin Roper, recorded the following messages from the W.A girls in Yrs 9-12 to their male peers. I’m hoping these might become discussion points to kick start conversations in other schools. I found them moving, some even plaintive and sad. What emerged for me overall was that while girls are distressed by the treatment of many (not all) boys, they really wanted to have good relations with them. Many lamented that in a sexualized world, everything had come to have a sexual meaning: they feared healthy friendships with boys might be lost if something didn’t change soon. Here’s what they asked:

• If we reject your request to send a sexual image, please don’t stop talking to us.

• If we are hanging out, don’t expect it is sexual.

• If we say no, accept it, don’t try to persuade us.

• Catcalling/ yelling out of cars/street harassment is not a compliment.

• If we are angry, don’t assume we are on our period.

• Stop commenting on our appearance. Value us for something else.

• Rape jokes are never funny.

• Porn and sex are not the same.

• Feminism is not female domination.

• If we cut our hair short, it doesn’t mean we are lesbians.

• If we have a close female friend, it doesn’t mean we are lesbians.

• We don’t all have the perfect body.

• We weren’t put on the earth for your entertainment.

• Think with your head, not what’s in your pants.

• Respect us more.

• Treat us like humans.

• Stop stereotyping us.

• Be a gentleman.

• Respect our boundaries.

• Don’t call us prudes for saying ‘no’/sluts for saying ‘yes’.

• It is never the victim’s fault.

• Just because we don’t say no doesn’t mean we are saying yes.

• Girls weren’t born to be decorative objects.

• Sex before the age of consent is illegal.

• Don’t make sexual advances based on how we are dressed- sometimes it is hot and we want to wear shorts.

• Stop making ‘kitchen’ jokes.

• We understand the boys are under pressure too.

Briefing on sexualisation, harms of porn with W.A MPs

While in the West, I was invited by the Hon Nick Goiran, W.A Legislative Council Member for South Metropolitan, to address a briefing of interested colleagues on sexualisation and the harms of pornography, and what they as legislators could do about the issue. Also with me were Collective Shout’s W.A coordinator Caitlin Roper and Victorian board member Coralie Pittman. I asked the reason for the hold up in the release of the W.A Children Commissioner’s report into the sexualisation of children, completed 18 months earlier. A week after my visit, it was finally released and tabled. (we are still analyzing the document and will report soon).

melindamps

In a speech to parliament, Hon Nick Goiran said:

“I feel confident in speaking on behalf of all those who attended to say that we were all impacted by what we were told…We have to recognize that none of us has done enough in this space, and I feel somewhat energized by the briefing today to redouble our efforts. I hope that members who attended this briefing will join in this effort because if we cannot get things right in respect of the children of this state, frankly, I suggest that we should all pack up and go home. There is no more vulnerable group in our society than our children, and they are being continually bombarded with this imagery, which so much research has confirmed is harmful to them. I cannot think of an issue more important.”

 

See also: W.A Teenage Girls Sexually Harassed, The West Australian, July 7, 2014

 

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July 6th, 2014  
Tags: body image, collective shout, education, objectification, P*rnography, porn harms, relationships, schools, sex, Sexting, sexual development, Sexualisation, sexuality, teens, W.A, W.A Parliament

7 Responses to “Wolfwhistling is not a compliment. Stop pressuring us for nude pics. Don’t joke about our bodies. What girls want boys to know: personal appeals from the heart”

  1. Justin
    July 6th, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    This is so awesome…the opportunity you had, the many children and adults ministered to, and the profound feedback from the kids as speaking points. Thank you so much for this post and for doing what you and your team are doing. It is so awesome and direly vital.


  2. Hecuba
    July 6th, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    Unfortunately Nick Gorian in his public speech ignored the fact how male domination over women and girls operates.

    He claims that ‘children are being bombarded with imagery which is harmful to them.’ The propaganda constantly being published by malestream media is not symmetrical to both sexes it is overwhelmingly pandemic male hatred/male contempt for women and girls which is the message girls and boys are receiving.

    There is little or no critical analysis being published within malestream media which looks at how girls are continuing to be socialised into accepting mens’ lies that their sole value and worth is to be males’ disposable sexual service stations. Instead claims continue to be made by men that ‘children are being harmed by pornography’ which neatly erases the fact mens’ pornography industry is a very powerful propaganda tool in normalising pandemic male hatred/male contempt for all females of all ages.

    Which sex is benefitting from mens’ pandemic hatred/contempt for women and girls??? Answer is males and whilst some boys do not voluntarily conform to male belief their sex entitles them to subject women and girls to hatred and contempt this does not in itself mean boys’ and girls’ experiences are identical. They are not.

    We have to look at the structures and institutions which men created and maintain to justify their pseudo male sex right to hold women and girls in contempt.

    One of these powerful structures is mens’ malestream media and mens’ popular culture wherein every day male hatred/male contempt for women and girls is glorified and promoted as ‘just harmless humour!’ After all given men continue to believe women and girls aren’t human this means male hatred/male contempt for women and girls is a harmless activity since no human is harmed!

    The answer is for boys and men to work with other boys and men and challenge their male peers who hold women and girls in contempt. Certainly boys do need to be asked challenging questions such as why they believe males are superior females and where these messages emanate from.

    But collapsing the issue into one of supposedly ‘harm to children’ ensures the politics of how and why male oppression/male domination over women and girls exists remains ‘out of sight and out of mind.’

    A real Feminist analysis is needed to disaggregate how girls and boys are socialised into accepting the supposedly ‘definitive truth’ that only man (sic) is the default human and his values; his experiences; his desires; his needs; his demands must always be met by women and girls because they are not supposedly autonomous human beings.


  3. Robyn Stewardson
    July 7th, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Keep up the good work, MTR.


  4. Jo Heasly
    July 7th, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    As the mother of a physically mature 11year old girl, I am frightened, I want her to be cherished for who she is. But I see that she is already experiencing communication based on what she looks like. The clothes available for her are often not appropriate, female assistants say silly things to her. Its not Just Boys/men who are objectifying our girls its women too!
    Its not just strangers its the women who should be there to support her, her grandmother says Daft things to her all the time. ” Its bad enough that she’s such a big girl we’ll have to be careful she doesn’t get fat”
    Thankyou for speaking on this topic I often feel lost.


  5. Helen Nottle
    July 7th, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Hi, we were watching “the voice” tonight and I was reminded of your presentation where you showed Jessica Mauboy after she had her “sexy” image change. The changes in the girls was alarming tonight – particularly the emphasis on bust size. My 9 year old daughter loves the show but I wonder what they will all look like by the end. Anja looked like one of Hugh Heffners girls and she is only 18. Also what will they be doing with the Voice kids?


  6. Kathy Stubbs
    July 8th, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    I took my children to the movies in Joondalup today (08.07.14), and sat waiting at a set of lights on Grand Boulevard, we happen to be stopped near an Adult Shop, and with my 12yo son in the front seat with me, I was mortified to see two lingerie clad mannequins on display in the front window, wearing not the type of attire I would want my son exposed to, and yet I know he saw them. I worry about the messages that are sent out to society about how women should be dressed. How I can protect him and my 9yo daughter from inappropriate images when they are on display for all to see? How can these shop owners not be sensitive to the exposure their product has on our children? I was disgusted.


  7. Maxine Allcroft
    July 10th, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    I feel that women in the entertainment media set bad examples to young girls when they wear revealing outfits. I don’t approve of the burka but I don’t like feeling embarrassed for half clothed women I see on TV every day. Surely there is a happy medium.


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