“Pornography slipped insidiously into our home and raised our children”

By Diana*

My husband Gary and I have three daughters, similar in age.   Our youngest, Monica, who has just turned 18, is sweet and kind and super smart at school – but was our ‘rebel’.  We thought we were managing her pre-teen and teen troubles, even working with professional counselling at times (when she wouldn’t open up to us) but overall, we thought she was doing OK.

At the age of 8, Monica was playing online games on an iPod touch, and porn found her.  She didn’t tell anyone.  She thought it was something that she should know about, but never asked and kept it secret. She went on to watch more and more free online porn over the coming years, without our knowledge.

Monica became sexualized from a very early age.  Wanting to wear false fingernails, high heels, makeup, sexy clothes from around 9 or 10 years old.  She would take ‘fashion’ photos of herself in provocative positions and when we found them, we talked to her about what was decent and acceptable and what wasn’t. She didn’t stop taking similar photos, but just kept them hidden. We blamed the media, peer pressure, but always struggled with why this was really happening and couldn’t quite put our finger on it. 

We monitored her online activity, but even so, Monica was always two steps ahead.  Sneaking out of her room when we were asleep to use a phone or computer, using other people’s internet, and having a secret phone were some of the things she did to access the online world and social media.

 At 12-years-old, she self-harmed.  She hated her life, and hated me for being too strict on her, by this stage we were arguing constantly about what she wanted to do and wear. 

Monica couldn’t accept why we didn’t allow her to do things like go to mixed sleepover parties to homes of people we knew little or nothing about, ‘hang out’ with her friends unsupervised when we didn’t really know where she was or what she was up to, why we didn’t want her to go to unsupervised or dubiously supervised parties at night.  Why were we so strict with what she wore, and mostly why we were so strict with her phone use. 

The more we monitored her online actions and behavior, and the more we gave her any form of discipline / consequence for any inappropriate behavior we found or even if we simply had a discussion about it – the sneakier she became.  We barely knew her friends. 

We didn’t know at the time that she was desperately wanting to become sexually active.  The behavior escalated.  At 14 she began shaving her pubic hair off completely.  She kept it a secret. 

By 14 and 15 we intercepted sexting messages via her phone. At first, just written words and messages, having discussions with boys about masturbation, sex and porn.  All without our knowledge.  By this age she was sexually active (heavy petting) with boys at camp. I was hearing rumors about her exhibiting slutty behaviour and had been told that she had spent most of the night on a camp in boys’ rooms.  When I tried to open up a conversation with her about what I was hearing, she vehemently denied doing anything and told me it wasn’t true.  By 16 she began using alcohol at parties. She said it helped her to talk to boys and feel more confident at parties.

At 16 she  was also secretly having sex.  Her first sexual experience was with a boy she had met at a party, in less than one hour of meeting him.  It happened in a laneway next to the party venue in the CBD. She gave him unprotected oral sex and then vaginal sex.   Her second sexual experience was giving oral sex to a boy in a public toilet.  She initiated the experience. 

She continued to ‘get with’  guys in this way, completely in secret, and has escaped from the house at night,( while we slept), to meet boys in car parks, has had sex with one after the other in the same night on two occasions that we know of. She has even caught a taxi to a boy’s home (she’d never met him in person) to service him sexually in the middle of the night.  He didn’t even pay her cab fare. 

Her health and safety were of no concern to her even though she felt used and empty afterward.  All we saw was that she was often tired, anxious, and was quickly developing low self-esteem and low self-worth.  She told us very little about her social world and spent a great deal of time on her phone. 

We wondered how this could happen when we thought we were such supportive and loving parents. After all, hadn’t we provided professional help when needed?   We thought that she was being open and honest.  How many times had we had those talks about sex, boyfriends, respect, relationships and love?  Why was this happening to one daughter when our other daughters didn’t have any of these issues?

By this time Monica was regularly sending nude, pornographic and childified very graphic images of herself to boys, and they sent images of themselves back to her.  She was leading a double life and lied constantly to cover it up. 

On a midweek day early this year, I stopped by home unexpectedly from work to find Monica, now 17, having sex in our home after school, with a boy who we now know has had issues with uncontrolled  anger outbursts, violence and a fascination with suicide.  She found him on social media and invited him into our home to meet over sex.   Much has unraveled since then.    Monica has lied about her sexual and online behavior for most of her life, so we expect that there will be more revealed as time goes on, and as she is ready to talk and open up. 

It is likely she will now be in long term (possibly years) of psychological care.  She now understands that porn has affected her, and she says she is desperate to stop feeling the way she does and stop doing the things she has been doing. 

She (and we) are relieved to know she is a victim, and that she chose her actions as a result of being groomed by the porn world.  We have had to also seek our own counselling to be able to cope with the reality of what has happened.  Our ‘perfect’ happy family life has been torn with shame, fear and regret.

The guilt we are suffering as parents is excruciating, especially because of the way we had treated Monica or disciplined her for her inappropriate behavior, behavior that was not in line with our family values.  We grounded her, removed privileges, and we would get frustrated and angry at her when none of these measures made any difference.

This only added to her problem and our ability to communicate with her.  In her eyes, we became her enemy.  In her eyes, our discipline was abuse. She thought that she deserved sexual ‘freedom’ and we were preventing her from that.

Monica had planned to move away from home as soon as she could, to attend Uni.  She would then be free to have as much sex as she liked, when she liked.  Even though she has now admitted that she always felt used afterward.  Monica wasn’t worried about how she would afford to live, as she had researched that she could work as a stripper, and apparently earn as much as $2000 per week. 

She clearly thought she could live in the same manner to which she is accustomed to at home, still wearing expensive clothes, lots of shoes and buying expensive makeup.  What she didn’t realize was how the sex industry lies about the realities of the sex and porn industry.  We only hope she understands that now.

At a time when her life should be opening up to bigger and better and exciting times with turning 18,  her final year at school and university around the corner, our beautiful daughter’s psychological and emotional health is suffering.  We live in fear that the images she has sent, and now regrets, will be made public.  

We are thankful that she hasn’t been raped, killed or taken.   Monica was potentially on the verge of entering the sex industry, and we are so very thankful that hasn’t happened and that she promises that she hasn’t tried drugs (other than alcohol).

We are thankful that we now know what has driven her behavior all these years, when several psychologists and counsellors were unable to determine or detect the cause of her teen issues, because she withheld information from them also.  Pornography slipped insidiously into our home and raised our daughter.   

Monica still occasionally accepts Facebook friend requests from guys she has never met, nor even has any mutual friends with.  Even though she is aware of online dangers, she thinks that she is super clever, and can ‘online stalk’ them to see if they are genuine. She still has the occasional online conversation with them.  One conversation she agreed to show me, revolved around sexual innuendo, involved poor and obvious pick-up lines, and the guy even asked her to fly to Sydney to “meet up”.  Monica didn’t agree, but did ask if he ever came to Adelaide.  Thankfully this didn’t happen.   

She still communicates daily via snapchat with the boys who took advantage of her, even one of them who, when finished with her, handed her over for his mate to have a go.  She cannot tell us why she doesn’t want to stop communicating with him and even gave him a friendly hug when she ran into him recently.  He took advantage of her and she doesn’t understand why we advise her to block him from her social media.  Monica spends an average of two hours a day on social media, mostly snapchat, her preferred mode of communication. Snapchat is untraceable.  All the images she sent were via snapchat.

Monica still agonises over her looks, what she wears, hair and makeup.  She can spend  hours getting ready for a party.   It is still incredibly important to her to look as sexy as possible when she goes out.  She wouldn’t dream of going to a party, or out with her friends to a pub in jeans, jumper and a fresh face. We have a long road ahead.

While placing herself in dangerous sexual situations has stopped, Monica still battles feelings of low self-worth. She fluctuates between happiness with new friends and a bright future studying at University to feelings of helplessness and even occasional thoughts of suicide.

We can’t stop the role technology has on our lives, but I believe our Government can stop a lot of what can be found online but shouldn’t be found there.

The past year or so has made me realise that our family is not the only one affected. This topic is still being covered up or glossed over due to associated shame or blame, but it’s there. There are probably thousands of families out there suffering the way we have. It’s amazing how complete strangers have opened up to me on the topic and their own daughters. I believe It’s an epidemic. I hope others have the courage to speak up and tell their story so this scenario can be stopped or at least controlled.

I hope you can use our personal experience to help warn other families that this can happen so easily and in the most average and ‘normal’ of families.

*Real name and some identifying details have been changed at the request of the family

Let the Government know you want your child protected from porn site access

The Government has announced an Inquiry into age verification for online wagering and online pornography.

The House of Representatives Standing Committee on Social Policy and Legal Affairs will accept written submissions by October 25.  Find out more at Collective Shout.